"TODD'S TAKING OVER!" TOUR
MARCH 2006

Hello bipeds, I'm back to document the hijinks of Big John Bates and his crew after sassing things up at the Vancouver International Burlesque Festival. Despite the show having a massive attendance, it was absent one spotted patron. Namely, me. I didn't dwell on not being invited too badly - I snuck backstage and got festooned in female underwear during the other two shows that weekend.

So following the festival, we decided to baptize our new drummer, The Baron, with a show in Kamloops. Last time we passed through it was a cold outdoor show and there were blue Voodoo Dollz. Somehow, the memo to torture the new drummer (and new Voodoo Doll, Darla Devine) must have gotten lost in the mail, since the show took place inside the new student watering hole, Hero's. Always a good place to start ...

CALGARY'S SHAMROCK

Moving onto Calgary where we got to share a stage with the Kabuki Guns Burlesque. The new line up in the KGB was looking good, and the Dollz were eager to make their acquaintance. The Shamrock rocked us, and the night found us a little sauced at the end of it with Little Miss Risk trying to steal a traffic sign that had to be pried away from her by sCare-oline.

Onto Red Deer to do a show at one of our favorite haunts, the Big 'A'. No stomach theatrics for BJB this time, and the crowd had to make do with good tunes (including the band, CrossRoads), sexy Dollz, and the Baron laying down the beats. Of course, John wrestled the camera away from me to film the debauchery that ensued... mostly ladies showing off their, ahem, appreciation of the show... Mardi Gras style...

Afterwards the group drove up to Invermere, home of DJ Nipple Twist (who the Dollz eternally offended by referring to as 'DJ Purple Nurple'). It was a fun show in the newly renovated Bud's Lounge, and the proprietors of the local gelato place persuaded sCareoline into a pink t-shirt with promises of gelato the next day. In order to make good on the offer, the girls rounded the Baron, John and I into the van early in the morning and shanghai-ed us to get breakfast gelato.

THERE'S A MARQUEE WE LIKED!!

We did a little trek through the interior to Fernie and Golden, stopping to play old haunts and wake up the local areas. Then it was scenic splendor in Canmore at the Drake, seeing old friends and some new, when Little Miss Risk and Darla took some local girls into the bathroom to show them how to spin tassels. Too bad no boys (or leopards) were allowed to watch. Apparently, the ladies of Canmore are naturals!

To Edmonton where we co-headlined at New City Compound with Tricky Woo. As the Baron hails from Edmonton, the local fan base was out to see him in force, and I do believe some of them lost their hearts to sCare-oline. A large cross section came out for the show, though the band played late, and it must be said there was very little catering left for the leopard. So what were we to do? Whoop it up at the hotel in an all-out band party that included chair-jousting, a pistachio war, and for some reason, Little Miss Risk thought that it'd be a swell idea to eat soup in bed (drunk) and watch television.   I'd have not minded, except that it was *my* bed she ate the soup in. It was a sad day though, when upon leaving the hotel, Darla discovered her corset was missing. So now, we'd like to have a moment of silence for her lost garment.

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So after we packed up and moved out, we headed east to Cold Lake. Remember how I was saying that sometimes an audience can surprise you? Welcome to The Camel's Toe in Cold Lake. Not only was the inside a wicked desert motif, complete with tequila-spitting camel, but a large number of the locals seem to do amazing break dancing. The Dollz looked on, impressed with all the fresh moves... but were not to be outdone. All we can say is if you're in the area go there and have yourself a drink or three! Then it was homeward bound, to rest up before heading out again, next month...

"LOOK AT MY ASSSSSSS TOUR" TOUR
APRIL 2006

Once again, it's the beginning of another tour story, which means it's time for me, Todd the Leopard to take up a narrative once again. We begin this tale with a potent combo of two Voodoo Dollz of old, teamed up for the first time together. What do you get when you pair one half of the Luvroc Sisters with pin-up princess Little Miss Risk? Well, Vancouver got to see first hand at The Lamplighter! After the show with old Seattle friends, The Wages of Sin, the band headed out for a little boat party at Stamps Landing. It was a great way to kick off the new tour, and then by ducking down into the States to perform with The Masters and the Mistresses in Spokane. We were happy to show their lead singer that he inspired us with his tattoo for our new line of BJB panties the 'Lucky U" motif on the front.

After that we were off to Montana, where we rocked the pants off the Zebra Lounge, and an after party at the hotel brought in the fuzz, due to noise. I was on the verge of asking them if they recognized us, but John stopped me, and wrestled my muzzle. The officers left, as did most of the party, and BJB went on an after party odyssey that he still won't talk about to this day...

HOW MUCH WE LOVED TOM'S GARAGE

We had a day off before playing in Butte with Dead In December at the Silver Dollar. The Dollz speculated on the change room, which looked like a cross between an attic and the backstage of the Muppet show, between the musical instruments, empties, and cats surrounding their costumes...Afterwards we headed out to St.Paul to Station 4 where the band played a show with Corpse Show Creeps and Dead City Dames. It was the one place where the band lost a bottle of Jagermeister. The moral of that story? Don't carry too much in your hands with a full bottle of Jager...

On to Appleton, where we had our first show with the Reverend Glasseye. We joined up with them, not knowing what to expect in their live set, though familiar with their music through sCareoline. It blew us all away: LMR and sCareoline swooned and Lil'Luvroc declared that she was going to marry all four of the guys in the band after the show. After they had set the tone we were hard pressed to keep up, but the ensuing party that followed spawned many a catch phrase and I'm holding the tape for further blackmail purposes*.

MILWAUKEE - IT AIN'T JUST FOR BEER ANYMORE

Off to Milwaukee to play at Vnuk's with the Riveras once again. It was a good show with lots of familiar faces there. Everyone took turns trying to best each other with pinball and pool, but the Baron remains the undisputed champion of the felt. It was with his crown jauntily worn on his head we headed to Madison, but not before we stopped by the Pabst Mansion to get a band photo.

Once in Madison, we played with Skag 48, with whom we've played before, and as always it was a pleasure. The only low point was that John's vintage snare drum disappeared that night, and blamed me. I think it's questionable that as manger I get blamed for everything, including losing an instrument that I don't play. We did, however get to have a night in one of the swankiest hot tubs short of the Playboy Grotto that included changing colored lights and a fountain.

The following day the Dollz begged to eat at Schlotzki's Deli, which is home to a lot of mechanical entertainment and toys. The restaurant, and those of it's ilk, seem to exist for the sole purpose of feeding scores of children's birthday parties, and bands on tour. It was only fair, as we had stopped at the Pabst Mansion in Milwaukee to stop here and eat...

We played in Chicago that night with some more old friends, The Strangers as well as the Massacres in a venue new to us, The Nite Cap Lounge. It was going well, until we had an impromptu Voodoo Doll, with whom LMR wasn't keen to share the stage with after getting her bottom pinched by her. After the show, LMR drowned her sorrows in Dunkin Donuts and rode the sugar high well into the night.

We played a show in downtown Detroit at the Lager House. It was a small show, but the band entertained themselves with the basement, which was once an old teamster speakeasy back in the 20s. We all gave a nod to those days by putting out a booze-fuelled performance that would have made Ernest Hemingway nod in appreciation.

THE VARSITY

We found ourselves back in Minneapolis in Dinkytown, playing at the Varsity Theatre to meet up with our friends and the Reverend Glasseye who were fresh from performing with the Dresden Dolls. Well, 'fresh' may not be the best word to describe them... a few days driving there with no sleep, performing, and then coming back to perform with us. Despite the need to sleep was outweighing the drive to perform, they still put on a great show in this amazing venue. We got up in the morning to hang out with our MN friends, before moving onto Fargo.

Ah, Fargo. This time around we played at The Aquarium and the Fargo crowd didn't disappoint. The Glasseye boys were well received and the party raged long and hard into the night. It was one of our favorite shows in Fargo to date, and we'll be hard pressed to top it again. The Baron was warding off the amorous advances of a few girls, and was doing so well. It was about this time that I was insinuating myself in the Glasseye dynamic, and discussing with the band members the merits of having a leopard in management. With a whisper in their ear, the two band vans headed for Winnipeg.

Up north to Canada again, and we hit the Pyramid (after an hour and a half detour through the finer fields of wheat) with the Glasseye boys. It was a huge party for us, and we had a great time... the audience was a blast and helped us bring the house down. The first show together in Canada was a memorable one, and afterwards we had a small gathering with Colin and Maggie at their House of Dark Sass.

Onwards to Jasper, where we gave the Glasseye guys Lil'Luvroc in exchange for Adam for the scenic drive. And a "Best Of" (is this possible) Poison CD. We had an impromptu photoshoot with a sign that bore Adam's likeness (the sign of Glasseye?) and arrived at the local ink shop where our good friend Stella takes care of us when we roll into town. The Dollz decided to take promotion into their own hands hand and they went out to drag in a crowd - literally. Lil' Luvroc operated the camera while LMR ran up and down the street twirling tassels at cars trying to entice them to come to the show. The leopard says eyes on the road, fellas...

RARE BIRDS - JOHN'S NATIONAL & DRINKIE CROW

While the Glasseye boys slept in and/or got tattoos, the BJB road show drove on to Slocan. I'm not sure if any of you have been there, but it's a fun little burg that has a local watering hole called the Blue Moon Saloon. This was our first time there and I can say, with quiet authority that they've never seen a show like this before. We were all getting a little tired by that point, and things came to a bit of a head when a fargin' icehole got on John's bad side by lipping him off then taking his picture, claiming to send it to the RCMP. Not a good way to start the day. Madness! I really wanted to hop out and have a person sandwich at that point, but the Baron restrained me...but I still flipped them off with my paw as we drove by.

Back to Vancouver for the show at the Backstage Lounge with I,Braineater and to be reunited one last time on this tour with the Glasseyes. It was an amazing show, and it was hard to say goodbye afterwards. So we didn't! We all went to John's boat for a party and spent a lot of time watching old 60's sexploitation movies, drinking Jager and making our farewells. It was a bittersweet ending to the tour with them, and we went on to do a show in Tofino before coming home for a spell before heading off to Europe....

*I have to take a moment to say that for a leopard I'm amassing quite a collection of blackmail material.